Scrawled on the wall of a ladies toilet: My husband follows me everywhere I go Written just below: I do not A recent poll by a brewery asked if men had to get up during the night and if so,why? Of those who said they did, three percent said they had to get up to go to the toilet. Two percent said they had to get up for a drink of water - and 95 percent said they had to get up to go home Woman - ‘My husband has alcoholic constipation’ Friend - ‘What sort of medical complaint is that?’ Woman - ‘He can’t pass a pub’ A bloke goes to bed with his girlfriend for the first time and he notices the bedroom walls are full of shelves of different sized cuddly toys. The next morning he asks ’How was it for you darling?’ She replies ‘You can have anything from the bottom shelf’ A cardiac specialist dies. At his funeral, the coffin is placed in front of a huge heart made out of flowers. When the pastor has finished the eulogy and everyone has said their final goodbyes, the heart opens. The coffin rolls inside and the heart closes. Just then a mourner starts laughing. The guy next to him asks ‘ What’s up with you?’ ‘I was thinking about my own funeral’ the man replies. ‘Well what’s so funny about that?’ Asks the mourner. Well, I’m a gynaecologist’ was the reply A priest gets stopped for speeding. The policeman smells alcohol on the holy man’s breath, then spots the wine bottle lying on the floor of the car. ’Sir have you been drinking?’ The policeman asks ‘Just water’ said the priest ‘Then why do I smell wine ?’ the policeman continues The priest looks at the bottle and exclaims: ‘ Wow, He’s gone and done it again’ A dyslexic robber walks into a bank shouting 'Air in the hands mother stickers this is a fuck up' Why did you marry your husband?” asked the neighbourhood gossip. “You don’t seem to have too much in common.” “It was the old story of opposites attracting each other,” the woman explained. “I was pregnant and he wasn’t While proudly showing off his new apartment to friend, the man led the way into the den. “What’s that big brass gong for? One of his guests asked. “That’s the talking clock,” the man replied. “How does it work?” “Watch,” the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly someone on the other side of the den wall screamed, “Knock it off, asshole! It’s two A.M.!” “Lad, look out there to the field. Do you see that fence? I built that fence stone by stone with my own two hands. But do they call me McGregor, the fence builder?” Then the old man pointed out the window. “Laddie, look out to sea. Do you see that pier that stretches out so far? I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor, the pier builder?” The old man took a sip of whiskey, “No, they don’t. But, “he continued, “you fuck one goat...” The judge fined a motorist $ 25 for speeding, and gave him a receipt. “What am I supposed to do with this, frame it?” snapped the driver. “No, save it,” replied the judge. “When you have three, you get a bicycle.” I’d like a pair of size eight tie shoes,” the fellow told the salesman. “But, sir I can see from here you’re at least a size 11.” “Just bring me size eight tie shoes.” The salesman brought the shoes. The guy stuffed his feet into them, then stood up in obvious pain. “I lost my business and my house,” he explained, “my wife is screwing my best friend, my daughter is pregnant and my son is gay. The only pleasure I have in life,” he sighed, “is taking off these fucking shoes.” Todays blessing: may the fleas of a thousand afghan camels infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day and may their arms be too short to reach...amen Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel's butt, just then a guy comes over and says, "What are you doing?" Osama replies, ‘About 2 miles back I heard someone say ‘ Hey, Look at the two assholes on that camel A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?" "Because the shit is running down my back!" A woman is taking a bath (naked, of course) when suddenly she hears a knock at the door. "Can I come in?" a male voice asks. "Who is it?" the woman asks. "It is the blind man" says the voice on the other side of the door. The woman gets out of the bath and after some consideration, opens the door, thinking, "Well, he's blind anyway". The man comes in the bathroom, takes a good look at the woman and says, "Great tits! Now where would you like the blinds Matthew Kelly, was back stage on Stars in your eyes, meeting the contestants, when he saw a man in a wheelchair, so he went over and introduced himself and asked what had happened to the man. The man replied, well Matthew, my nephew here Simon and I are glaziers, and one day Simon was up the ladder when he dropped a big pane of glass, it fell to the ground, and as it did so it cut my legs clean off. Well Matthew said, That's terrible, but it's nice that you've come here to support him anyway. The man replied no Matthew I’m not here to support him, me and Simon are doing a duo. Matthew Kelly says I know the makeup artists are good but what are they gonna make you two. The man said, tonight Matthew, we are gonna be Simon and half uncle Pete Townsend has apparently gone on holiday to America..... He's gone to Tampa with the kids Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car? A. Don't ask her out again. Q. How do you know Michael Jackson is having a party? A. There are a bunch of tricycles in front of his house. Q. What do Michael Jackson and a jockey have in common? A. They both ride three year olds. Q. Where do you find a no legged dog? A. Right where you left him. Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? A. The taste! Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Police car A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside. Q. Why did the Leper go back into the shower? A. He forgot his Head and Shoulders.

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